Insecurities. The Biggest Obstacle is Yourself
I was thinking yesterday, the slow-walk you do with the stroller, enjoying the trees, birds, and weather, about insecurities. I’ve been haunted by a comment a friend made, about a guy I was dating, but she didn’t know I was dating him. ‘You know he has a type (wink, wink). Insecure girls.’
Lately, I’ve been trying to be more vulnerable. Open up to my feelings, don’t hide them or defend them, or project, or any of the other strange manifestations and acrobatics we do to survive and adapt. I don’t think that friend was right. I don’t think I’m generally insecure. But, I do have some insecure areas, or fears: finances, relationships, and, my intellect.
In interviewing, I have confronted the intellectual insecurity smack dab. You’re calling me dumb? That comes up perhaps 3 seconds into an interview when I’m questioned about anything. To gain the ground of the confident, assured candidate, I have to relax, tell myself I’m smart, etc. In addressing this, over and over again, it got me to thinking: I can work probably work on getting my sensitive area less sensitive.
First thing: it’s not other people or other things. My sister brought this up to me when I was in full rant about an interview. She lost her cool, and it was awesome (in retrospect, ha) that she was totally honest with me. Honest in a way that nobody is. “You’ve always had this block on not having a Computer Science degree. It’s just not important. Nobody else cares.” She went on, about how sure maybe some things have backed up the insecurity, but plenty of people are past it. This really, really helped me. I started breaking down the smaller reasons why a CS degree was an impediment. Were there things- terminology, algorithms, a way of thinking- that were taught, that I never got as a self-made software engineer? I started looking stuff up, taking online courses, etc. figuring out a plan to overcome this obstacle. I had a few revelations (another post!) about interviews, computer science curricula, and how it related to my own study. I can now (hopefully) speak intelligently about these conflicts, and address issues as they come up in interviews.
As you can see, the biggest issue was my own fear.
Fear blinds me. I get “deer in the headlights.” My mind goes blank (so awesome in an interview) and my faculty for reasoning goes out the door. Too many questions- what if, is this right- and self-doubt reigns. Focus and method, best practices, ability to communicate, a silly giggle begins and doesn’t end.
It started when I was younger — tests brought out this insecurity. I was always spotty on testing. Largely, it’s a Catch-22. By being tested, I think it’s inherently someone telling me I’m not smart, and I therefore test poorly. If I walked into it confidently, I’d probably do OK.
I had a French teacher in high school — and we had a rocky relationship. Despite taking it for 4 years, I got a 2 in the Achievemnet test. That’s a D. I was a French major in college, and the moment I met with my advisor, The Chevalier we called him (Samuel Danon, RIP), he looked at me and with classic Gallic distrust: “You can’t have a 2, with this many years studying the language.” He sat me in a conference room across the hall, with a copy of an old Achievement test he had (?), I scored a 4. Basically, a B. Two months of not thinking about French at all, and getting into a good school, being relaxed and happy, and trusted by this Chevalier that I “couldn’t possibly” get a 2. So, that 2 was not about my French teacher, but my fear that I was dumb. I remember in that first test, a complicated oral part about smoking. If anything impedes performance, it’s fear. When I had a teacher who thought I was smart, boom, the fear was alleviated and I was fine.
I am still figuring out how to deal with it. Realizing that I have defenses was a big step. Understanding that I need to take people as they are- don’t overestimate, don’t underestimate, their abilities. Helps in realizing my own abilities. Taking time and setting up a plan for those things I need to bone up on. And, realizing that these are charged issues. I’m midway through this and doubtless have a lot more things to learn. Understanding my own feelings and reactions while things are going on, not afterwards, is a huge part of it.
